The minute-by-minute update

“Just got breakfast”

“Off to JFK to pick up mommy!”

“Bubble bath, FOOD, blizzys&movies afta till I knock. ???????? feeling satisfied.”

“This town is SO boring”

ENOUGH. YOU are boring. Who are you even talking to? Please stop, you are clogging up my newsfeed and I barely know you.

 

 

The overboard hashtagging

“Off to Gold’s Gym !” #GirlsLiftToo #Cardio #NewMe #HealthyLifestyle #Fit

First off, wrong social platform for hashtags. Second, what is the point of this? NO ONE CARES that you are going to gym, it’s #totallyannoying and not news

 

The sheltered SJW from wealthy suburbia attempting to be politically engaged

Incase you are not up to date with your acronyms, a SJW is a ‘social justice warrior’. These people tend to post snarky one sentence remarks along the lines of “Fox News lies!” or “Your cis white male privilege is showing America!” followed by links to MotherJones, Salon, Gawker, and the rest of the highly delusional left-wing blogs. These people are the worst, and it’s probably in your best interest to never debate them, because you will end up being labeled a gun-totting racist. And because they probably didn’t even bother reading the article that they are sharing.

 

The “What’s good tonight Facebook?”

These statuses were clearly intended for discussion within a private message, but making them public is cool too. Just don’t be surprised when you don’t get the reply (if any) you were expecting.

 

The ESPN commentator preaching the play-by-play

“LeBron just hit a 3!”

“Cav’s just won 95-93 – series is now tied 1-1”

Thank you for the updates Jeff Van Gundy, it’s not like we’re watching the same game at the same time or anything.

 

Words of wisdom from Aristotle

“All mankind… being all equal and independent, no one ought to harm another in his life, health, liberty or possessions” – John Locke

“Happiness depends upon ourselves” – Aristotle 

Typically posted by someone enrolled in an ethics 101 class or going through a breakup. I hope you get intellectual satisfaction from these pearls of wisdom, because they certainly didn’t inspire me or anyone else.

 

Ass-random song lyrics

It’s not like you to say sorry, 

I was waiting on a different story

This time I’m mistaken

for handing you a heart worth breaking.

And I’ve been wrong, I’ve been down,

been to the bottom of every bottle.

These five words in my head

scream “are we having fun yet?”

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