DIARY OF AN INTERN
June 2, 2014
Today I started interning for my Uncle’s financial advising firm, Douche & Associates. Uncle told me to be in by 9:00 AM. But of course, I was up partying last night with my bros. This caused me to miss my alarm clock. I got there at 9:22, and my uncle was chillin by the door. The dude’s arms were crossed, and he started glaring right at me. I told him “chill bro, I have a life too…. I can’t make it everywhere all the time.” Apparently, this did not help the situation, as he then told me to go home and try again tomorrow. He said if I want to keep the internship, I have to make it in on time.
June 3, 2014
So today I got up on time and everything. I made it to the office after my morning Dunkin run. Slid in at 8:58 AM, was no problem. My Uncle told me to shadow his lead financial advisor, Barry Stein GoldwaterSchwartz. The guy just sat at a desk all day and played with numbers. Like the fuck was that? What happened to all the bottles and models like in the Wolf of Wall Street? I thought I would be bangin dimes all day right beside Leo, after I sold some stocks to my billionaire clients. This whole finance thing sucks MAD HARD.
June 4, 2014
So apparently, Barry didn’t appreciate my comment about his shoes. I’m sorry, but they look like turds some bear left in the woods. Why doesn’t a guy with money like that invest in some fly kicks like me?
Now my uncle has me re-assigned at some shitty desk job. He wants me to put client tax information in the folders with the clients’ names on them. bhahaha. Book it. I aint spending my life moving papers around. So I threw them in random folders and told my Uncle I was done. He told me I could go home for the day. Hit up my bros, and started hitting the bars at 6.
June 5, 2014
So today my uncle wanted me to write some emails to new clients. In other words, I spent the day checking out girls vacation photos on facebook, reading me some more intellectual content like buzzfeed, and getting a couple P-Hub seshes in. Uncle didn’t check my email history. What an old head.
June 6, 2014
Today was not a good day. I was coming in from my usual Dunkin run, when I was confronted at the door by my Uncle, who was in serious need of a chill pill. Apparently, a “very important” (pppfffttt) client got his taxes filled incorrectly yesterday because “somebody” put them in the wrong folder. Barry apparently filled the taxes of Mr. James, the Neurosurgeon, with the income information of a Mrs. White, a 4th-grade teacher. I told my Uncle that this was clearly because Barry is a fuck up. I pointed this out to him on the second day. Also, my Uncle got all pissy and said the “IRS would get upset” over mis-filed taxes. Oh sure, like the International Rugby Society gives a fuck. So I was fired from my first internship. Whatevs… more time to turn up!