The Massachusetts Daily Collegian is a student run newspaper at the University of Massachusetts Amherst. Like other student papers across the country, it frequently features ridiculous columns by young leftists.

Over the past couple of weeks however, the absurdity has gotten out of hand. Here are some examples:

“Emoji fail to be racially just”

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I don’t know how to parody this. It reads like an Onion article right out of the gate:

“This yellowy-orange pigment, however, has been seen by many as representing the Asian race….. Caitlin Dewey, a writer for the Washington Post comments in an article about emoji, “In either case, if the yellow face is racially neutral, where is the Asian character among Apple’s new offerings?” Surely, if there was a defined Asian race option, then there wouldn’t be the possibility for misconstruing the yellowy-orange tone as a racist remark of that group of people.”

They’re yellow! No, not like some people say about Asians, like f*cking Simpsons characters! Does Homer Simpson look Asian to you?!

“A surprising look at who owns guns in America”

“Gun ownership does not mirror gun victimization. According to a Pew Research study conducted last July, 19 percent of African Americans say they own a firearm as opposed to 41 percent of whites. The reasons for this disparity may be complex but it appears that whites feel more vulnerable and in need of greater security than minorities….City people ride the subway, take the bus and walk the streets every day next to strangers without incident. This builds a trust between people who do not know each other and makes them far less likely to believe they must be carrying a weapon at all times.”

What’s particularly annoying about this piece is its lack of common political knowledge. The author goes into a hypothesis of sorts, claiming that gun ownership is lower in urban areas because people who live in cities have more human interaction. In other words, they trust people more, so they don’t feel a need to arm themselves.

Did the author ever consider that gun control might have something to do with it? It’s much harder to buy a gun in most cities than in rural areas, because of strict laws imposed by people who think like he does. Also, illegal gun ownership is much higher in cities, and the numbers he examined were self reported gun ownership rates. No one admits to illegally owning a gun.

Finally, rural areas have a long standing gun culture. Hunting, sports shooting, guns getting passed down from generation to generation, etc… Cities don’t have that. There are no farms in cities, no forests, and very few gun ranges. But no, I’m sure it’s just because rural people are somehow lacking in humanity from not interacting with enough people. Hit the nail on the head there.

“Benevolent sexism: a devil in disguise”

Sure, sexism sucks. But is it really sexist to offer to walk a girl home? This piece says so:

“Benevolent sexism could also be seen as a problem on campus, particularly relating to nightlife. For example, female students are often perceived as requiring male protection to avoid walking home alone at night or going to a party alone. The ideas that are benevolently sexist assert that women need the protection of a man, which makes more sense in an environment where women feel unsafe. Since benevolent sexism highlights a woman’s positive characteristics and provides a feeling of safety, it is easier for women to accept than acts of hostile sexism, making it more ubiquitous. This might explain why I am likely to accept a male friend’s offer to walk me home at night although I do not believe in benevolently sexist ideas. Women exhibit this behavior out of fear and necessity, not by choice.”

There are a lot of things we don’t do out of choice, such as breathing and needing to eat. Just because something is done out of a sense of need does not mean it is a bad thing to do. If a girl does in fact feel unsafe alone at night, the male offering to walk her home is not being sexist, he is being a caring human being. Blame the criminals who make walking home at night seem scary, not those who are trying to make it less scary.

“After dark: An introspective Afrosociopolitical narrative”

Yeah, that word is made up. We googled it and got this article as the top result. No one else seems to have really used it.

The “narrative” is basically a biography of Josh Odam’s past year. It took up the whole Op/Ed page the day it was published. On a positive note, unlike most of the stuff put out in the Collegian, it is actually well written.

If you can tolerate it long enough to read the whole thing, it’s essentially bragging and patting on the back for multiple paragraphs, without end.

Finally:

Check out: Daily Collegian edits column out of context

 

Go Collegian! Here’s to another year of nonsense!

 

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